I shouldn't have told her

My wife was already up making breakfast for the little one; I freshened up and made my way over the kitchen where she and cherry-blossom were going around in circles. I said “Honey, why didn’t you wake me up?” she looks at me with a pleasant expression on her face and says “A kiss and hello first wouldn’t have been so bad you know …and I thought I would let you sleep in a little, you have worked very hard last night” “Alla,” I murmur giggling frantically, like a teenage girl talking about a boy she likes to her friend as I turn around walking away pinching my self to check if I was still dreaming, first Adeer and now this endearing compliment. Hmmm?? You see, she never talks like that ever. She is conventional with capital ‘K’; I on the other hand am a freelance liberal.


Picked up the remote and began my couch potato routine on Sundays, flipping through the sports channels to see if my favorite teems were playing. Better half yells “I made omelets, do you need two or four slices?” “Four please” I replied. Shortly, we were sitting munching on the plans of the day and deliciously done omelets together, the bread toasted just enough to make it crunchy and caressed with light strokes of mayonnaise, Inside the triangle layers of dough lay olive oiled omelets with green and red peppers, ring like cut onions with a touch of sweet baby parsley and cheese. Gulping my saliva before every bite, I decided to unburden my dream to lovely wife, extracting interpretations of my dream and excluding of course, minimal details like being naked and stared at by couple of guys accompanied by a woman.

I explained how uncomfortable I got when I got called ‘Adeer’ by the young men I was playing soccer with. I was playing the defense position when this young man said “Adeer, aniga iisoo baas” and upon heading him utter that sentence I passed the ball back to the goalie out of spite, which lead to getting scored on by our counterparts. In few minutes time my entire teem was echoing “Adeer this Adeer that” I really don’t know how I stayed to the finish, I was totally disoriented by such utterance. Hence the dream, do you think I have made the transition? I mean, how does one know when the time has come? Even if that was the case, I have two good months before I hit the three-O, besides how the heck did these kids (I mean young men) know that my yesteryears were becoming memoirs of the past to look back at?

When she interjects and says “Well, have you looked at your self lately? You’re fat, [no I shouldn’t say that] husky, is perhaps the word and you have no hair. Frankly, now that I look at you closely you do look like an old man, heck, I could even pass as your daughter, tell me, how did I ended up with you?” says my not so lovely anymore wife. Fat to husky hmm, now, was that complimentary insult or insultingly complementary I asked my self in the midst of responding “I can’t believe it, given, I have gained couple of bounds, though that’s all due sympathy wait (we are expecting soon) and my hair you see, nature took its course and there was nothing I could’ve done. By the way I could no way be older than you, I was born in a modern hospital with birth records and the whole 9, unlike you heh, who was born under a tree somewhere in Lasqorey or somebody” I grumble. She laughingly says while walking away “Leave me out of this, you are getting paranoid over nothing and if you persist, I will willingly go out to buy you some [anti aging creams]” I grind my teeth, I really wanted to get the last word in, but I was vacant of any good comebacks and could only think of saying [yeah right] which I did. I kicked my self for that lame comeback afterwards, though I wasn’t in it to neither win nor get defeated to begin with.

I suppose the time has come

I stood naked in the middle of a corn field tall enough to swallow a person well over six feet. Much like a scene from a superman movie, but I appear nothing like the man of steel, in fact image the absolute opposite very short, very bold, and very round. The wind breeze, gusting and tickling my toffee like skin, its sweet smell devouring my nostrils with sensational aroma, the bright sun light making every thing around me yellowishly stunning.

I turn in a full circle observing my surroundings when I hear loud voices of people conversing in a language that wasn’t English which to my shocker I understood, it was coming from the direction that was to the north of me or so my ears lead me to believe. I reluctantly walked towards the direction my hearing organs were pulling me, to sense the longer I walked the weaker the influence on my eardrums, I stopped and started walking towards the south, the closer the more the influence paced.

I came to what seemed like the rim of this field, I could see young pupils through the splits of the corn trees, three guys and a girl in their early twenties or perhaps late teens, I sneak a look-see’s to see if there were more people in the area but could only witness them, playfully chatting and teasing one of the boys for not being a man enough to talk to the girl his been eyeing. I creep around in these bushes like a cheetah lurking to surprise its prey, though, contrary to my disposition I wanted no part in exposing my self to these young men and woman for I was in my birthday suite and they fully clothed. Pondering on what gives and what I was going to do? My brain ignited train of thoughts which I quickly dismissed before the station, thoughts that escaped my attention, such were, what was I doing here? Why was I naked? Who are these people? What is happening to me? Where was my family? Did I get kidnapped? What sort of an experiment was this? It felt as though my air circulations were stiffen, an anxiety attack loomed, I gave my head a shake, may be this was just a dream, a more sensible view intruded. I relaxed, started to inhale and exhale slowly closing my eyes calming my self to ease.

Preoccupied, I notice one of the boys standing behind me watching, I could see fright in his eyes, we both stood there frozen in what seemed ages, he called out to his friends. After the call I so wanted to run and disappear into the sun. But, despite the natural impulse my legs were num I couldn’t take a footstep. Although I had enough strength to cover my hands with the favorite member of my body in time, It somehow felt as though they were standing next to him to before he even finished calling out to them, after pleasantly exchanging shocking stares, one of the boys cracks a smile with a little laugh, soon they were all laughing at me and muttering stuff in their loud laughs which I couldn’t make out. I joined in with an embracement and a nervous laugh not as hysterical as they were. It started to die out as the boy in the centre said “SANBAWA (Adeer).…” when I got rudely interrupted by the left side of my body being jerked vertically, along with the words “waite up Paapo, waite up” by my cherry-blossom.


Only if she could have tripped on her way to wake me up. Darn it, it would have bought me a little time. Hmm Adeer?? Oh well, I am glad it was only a dream.

Hilarious outcome

I called my mother couple days ago, a woman who’s voice I didn’t recognize picked up the phone, “hello” she said,

“Salaam aleykum” I said,

"wacalekuma salaam” she said, at this point my neurons are working in over-time to find a match for this voice and were coming up blank, so I stopped trying. “Fadumo ma joogtaa?” I say,

“She just went down stairs, she should be back in five” she said,

“What is your name?” I said,

“Fahmo” she said,

“Umm Fahmo. Fahmo yareey, eedo Asho’s daughter?” I said,

“No” she says,

“Hmm, what is your father’s name? may be I will be able to tell who you are?” I say,

“You won’t” she says,

“Try me” I say,

“Leave it alone, you won’t know him” she said,

“Tell me still, and you shall see” I said,

“Fahmo Abdullahi” she said,

“Hmm Abdullaahi, I know many, what’s his nick name?” I said,

“Laughs, I told you” she says,

“Tell me his nick name” I said,

“He doesn’t have one” she said,

“O-ok, what’s his father’s nick name, your family nick name perhaps? I said,

“We don't have a nick name, tiresomely” she said,

“Ok, what is your grand father’s name? I said,

“Adam” she says,

“Fahmo Abdullahi Adam” I say,

“yap” she says,

“Fahmo Abdullahi Adam Cade??” I say,

“Nop, may I know who is calling” she says,

“Fahmo Abdullahi Adam Madoobe then?? Regurgitating a giggle” I say,


She hung up.

I laughed so hard, a call to my mother transformed into a crank call.

My first complaint letter ever.

Mr. Joseph Gagne
President
Abrams Towing Services Ltd.
P.O. Box 266, STA A
Downsview, ON M3M 3A5


Dear Mr. Gagne,

The purpose of this letter is to pursue the remuneration from Abrams Towing for rental charges on the vehicle loaned to me for the period of 20 days. The following is a statement of chronological events that explain why this money is owing to me.

On January 2, 2007, Abrams Towing, had towed my vehicle to Speedy muffler, brake and wheel at 1289 Derry Road West. Later that day, Robert P. F., the manager of the speedy garage informed me that the vehicles transmission had several cracks in it and also the transmission was leaking oil. As a result of this, on January 3, I phoned Abrams Towing to inquire about what had happened with the vehicle while it was in their possession. Sarah Nesbitt had told me that she was aware of the problem because the tow truck driver had already informed her that he had damaged the car. Ms. Nesbitt also assured me that she would phone a garage to get an estimate of the damages and then her manager, Richard Brown, would phone me with the details.

On January 4th, I decided to phone Abrams Towing because I had not yet received the details from Mr. Brown, as Ms. Nesbitt had promised. I had spoken to Ms. Nesbitt again that morning and she had just proceeded to repeat the same information that she had given me the previous day.

On Friday January 5th, I had spoken to Ms. Nesbitt again regarding the progress of this situation. She informed me that my vehicle had been towed earlier that morning to Pro’s Transmission Centre on Concession Street. At this point I had informed Ms. Nesbitt that I would be renting a vehicle that evening and that I would be submitting the rental invoice to Abram’s when I finally got my vehicle returned to me. My vehicle remained with Pro’s Transmission for a period of 4 days. After this 4-day period the vehicle was again towed to Abrams Towing on Highway #2 to be fixed by one of their employees who was not a certified mechanic (please see Exhibit A). My vehicle had remained in Abram’s possession until January 24th.

I would like to express my complaint in the way Abrams Towing had handled this situation. Since January 2nd to February 9th, I had made the effort to phone Abram’s Towing everyday in hopes of speaking to Richard Brown. I do not feel that Abrams Towing responded to this situation in a professional manner because I have been hung up on, transferred to wrong extensions and was told that Mr. Brown was not available to speak to me. It appeared as though Mr. Brown was avoiding my calls.
The message I had received from Ms. Nesbitt numerous times (understatement) was that Mr. Brown would telephone me with regards to my vehicle and the reimbursement of the rental charges. To this day, I have never spoken to Mr.Brown.

As a result of my vehicle being damaged by Abrams Towing and then being held in Abram’s possession for an extended period of time, I believe that it is only fair that Abrams Towing reimburse me for the accumulated rental charges that I incurred during this time. I expect a cheque in the amount of $1,243.05 to be mailed to my residence no later than February 23rd, 2007, so that interest charges do not accrue on my charge card. (Please see Exhibit B)

I would like to thank you in advance for your attention and prompt reply to this matter.


Sincerely,

Kosh


Please make the cheque payable to:

Yata yata yata.

The grand finale

He sat on the carpet near the TV about eight feet away from where I was sitting. I started ignoring him after our little confrontation and focused on my meal, but damn it is tough focusing when this little being is in absolute fixation with you. So I looked at him from time to time, what do you know? We have managed to lock eyes once again, but only this time it took a drastic turn. I kid you not, this time it was as though we were somehow someway communicating through neuronical waves, he and I were able to communicate through our thoughts as in reading each other minds, though most of our conversations in essence were Jerry begging with persuasion to get some of my food and I taking a rain check on all of his offers. Enraged? Indeed he was

After several minutes in what seemed like hours, I came to a conclusion to ignore his ass, but in few minutes it got quite apparent that ignoring was the least of my problems while Jerry just sat there watching me eat. I caught him take a step towards my direction from the corner of my eye, looked at him and said “don’t come any closer, if you know what’s good for you”.

*Wiggling my index finger*”.

He didn’t move, I suppose he understood my caution. Jerry started twitching his nose “sigh”. The only thing left now was to roll on his back and cry wolf, the nerve in this little individual. Firstly, he is in my house uninvited and secondly to impose that I share my meals with him, that was flipping the bird in my face.

My face had turned tomato, soon as I stood up; he fled and went underneath the couch. I have just about had it with Jerry by now. I put on my shoes; winter gloves, located a broomstick and started looking for his ass underneath the sofa. I started chasing him around the living room; the hard wood floor didn’t make it easier for him either. We were at it intensely for about 15 minutes, my heart felt as though it was going to jump out of my mouth. I was pretty sure Jerry felt some of the pain I was enduring, when he run into the shoe closet.

I left that very moment for the grocery store and bought these plate like thingies that are filled with crazy glue (god bless who ever invented it, lord know, they must have had enormous issues with mice to have come up with such invention). I purchased five of them and headed home. After unpacking and placing cheese on them, I have placed two by the shoe closet and the rest evenly in the living room I was relentless and determined, goddamn it! I was a man on mission.

I sat down with my laptop on the couch to go on about my business and wait, it didn’t take much time for inquisitive Jerry to appear, I couldn’t tell you where he appeared from, all I remember was Jerry standing at his old spot right in the middle of the living room. I have startled him by banging my feet on the hard wood floor, he ran behind the TV, so I have then picked up two of the plate stickies and placed them on each side of the TV corners and observed.

“Mother Fucker!” You should have seen him; he took couple of sniffs and dodged right by it. I am sitting on the edge of the couch thinking what fuck? How could he maneuver his way like that? How could he have possibly decipher what lay in front of him was in fact danger? Wasn’t the cheese even tempting enough to undertake danger? In the midst of making sense of what had taken place, Jerry was standing right where I chased him from. Goddamn it, I had chased him again around the living room, finally he ran inside the closet again. I have closed on him and left a little room for him to crawl back from, and around the break of freedom lay decretive plates full of glue and cheese.


I walk back to catch my breath and sit down on the couch; I open my laptop to clutter my thoughts with daily dose of Somalia online, Soon after I hear this racket coming from the closet, claws climbing a latex paint. No word of a lie, this little fucker was actually climbing the wall for an escape. I suppose you can imagine the disbelieve and shock of what I was seeing, this fuckery.

But he can’t outsmart me; I have bushed some of the plates away from the wall, so that if he attempts to jump they will be right there waiting for him. At this time Jerry is hanging from the arm of my jacket (reluctant bastard), so I hit on the jacket and he falls right down on center of plate full of glue. Oh the relieve that ran down my spine was unexplainable; it felt as though I conquered the world.

Oh the poor thing fought effortlessly to unstick him self, but soon acknowledged the fact it was beyond his capacities, and that's when Jerry started crying in a rather squeaky tone for help. I then picked up the plate and placed it on the kitchen counter for a closer view, Pretty Jerry had thick gray fur with pinkish like tail, in my observation I was astonished to discover that Jerry was cross eyed, you could see the helplessness in his agony, exposed and out of his element i look closely into his eyes, though at this time I was not entirely convinced he is even looking at me or how many of me he sees.

I start to feel the air in the room thinning, and the walls closing in on me. My lower lip starts to tremble, tears race down my cheeks I ask my self “what sort of a person hurts a handicap being” and voice in my head replied, “you didn’t know Kosh. But, had you knew, would you have it anything differently?” to which I replied “No” I then took another plate of glue and squashed it over the one Jerry lay on, placed it in a bag and tossed it outside into the recycling bin.

It’s now been several months after this escapade and I haven’t come across any more Jerries.



The End.

Part two

I drove straight to our local 24 hour grocery place, walked in ashamed and walked around for about 10 minutes just looking. However reluctant I was of asking, I had to go ask someone where I could find mouse traps, I couldn’t find anyone in the isles, so I walked over to one of the cashiers and stood at the counter, this cashier lady stood with her back towards me, I could see plenty of grey hair in her long brown hair. She then turned around; she had a nicely wrinkled tan face and said.

“How can I help you sweetheart?”

I remember thinking, gosh what a sweet lady, to which I whispered “I am looking to find a mouse traps, do you know where I can find them?” with out hesitating, she grabs the phone dials couple numbers and she on the intercom (tell head) yelling.

“Cindy, can you come over to cashier number 3”

Relieved that she didn’t reveal my mice problem over the telephone, I explained. “You know, there is this one mouse in my apartment that’s driving me nuts, this is our First encounter”

She then raised an eyebrow and said. “You know son, where there is one there are thousands”

I felt something cold running down my spine, the ground I was standing on was spinning. Lord, my flashing thoughts contained, my little one keeping mice as pets, how my wife was going be livid and blame me, even if it wasn’t my blunder gosh. Lost in my thoughts, Cindy came and showed me the isle where the mouse traps were. Bought four of them and headed home distressed, in my drive I pretty much decided to contact my realty agent and hopefully move before my family came back from Somalia, I even contemplated of spending the night at a buddy’s place. Reached home aggravated, opened the door looked around, no sign of him or should I say them. I then unpacked the traps placed cheddar cheese on them and placed three of them evenly in the living room and the other in the bedroom, the other rooms where not open to begin with. That morning I went to work more tired then I ever was, took couple of Advil pills to keep my day going, that evening when I got home, I firstly checked to see if he or they fell for any of my traps, but what I found was quite the contrary to what was expected, all the traps untouched and wiped clean of the cheese.

Then it hit me that I was dealing with Jerry or Jerries perhaps. Taking advantage of an unskilled Tom, That afternoon while sitting on the dinning table stuffing my face with a subway sandwich, I saw him again. But this time we met eyes for the first time, at first it seemed as though there was a staring contest of who would blink first, I for one wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction at fisrt, but the darn thing wouldn’t let up with his tiny little eyes, I gave Jerry that premature win undeservingly, because the odds favored him.


To be continued....